Spoilers For Every Book Ever

Look at you! There’s no time to read. You have decisions to make! Like “what do I become if not an astronaut?” and “how is internet formed?”

But you are so popular! Like George McFly after “Earth Angel” is done playing! And everyone else reads. And it’s all they ever want to talk about. (So boring!)

Don’t worry! We relate. Here is a list of book spoilers for science fiction and fantasy books (and others) so you can feel like king of the party. Always know what everyone is talking about!

All spoilers are sorted alphabetically by author!

Suzanne Collins

• The Hunger Games: Katniss and Peeta win.
• Catching Fire: Katniss and Peeta win.
• Mockingjay: Katniss and Peeta win. Winning sucks.

Cory Doctorow

• Down and Out in the Magic Kingdom: Internets will 1.) Let us never die. 2.) Make everything kind of boring as a result.
• Eastern Standard Tribe: If you lived your life separated from your physical geography people might think you’re insane. You are. A little bit.
• Someone Comes to Town, Someone Leaves Town: Sometimes you just have to experience a story yourself.
• Little Brother: LOL u hav n0 rights.
• Makers: Makers are neat.
• For the Win: Online economies are neat, too.
• Pirate Cinema: Is this about all the Game of Thrones we’ve been downloading? Listen, HBO, if you made the series easily purchasable we wouldn’t be having this discussion. You’ve got to meet us halfway here, because the only other option is to cut you out of the equation entirely.
• Homeland: LOL u still hav n0 rights.

Steven Erikson

• Gardens of the Moon: Who are all these Malazan jerks, and why are they fighting an ice troll giant from back in time? Life is suffering.
• Deadhouse Gates: Where did the jerks from book one go, why is there so much sand, and how come everyone is ten animals? Life is massacre.
• Memories of Ice: My favorite jerk from book one is back, with way more new jerks! NOOOOOO WHISKEYJACK NOOOO! NOOO BRIDGEBURNERS NOOOO! Life is grief.
• House of Chains: Whoa, this new Karsa Orlong jerk is really tall. And he’s back in the desert. No one does not hate this desert. Life is slavery.
• Midnight Tides: YOU HAD AN ENTIRE THIRD CONTINENT FULL OF JERKS? Although this one economy-destroying jerk is pretty charming. Why is this jerk covered in coins? Life is capitalism is suffering
• The Bonehunters: Ooo, I like this new Malazan army the Bonehunters, even if they’re back in the desert. WAIT NO THAT CITY IS ON FIRE WHY IS IT ON FIRE?! Life is fire.
• Reaper’s Gale: This jerkish regime is not doing very well against the capitalists. I think the coin-guy was a metaphor. HEY THE MALAZANS SHOWED UP TO KICK HIS METAPHORICAL BUTT! Life is metaphor.
• Toll the Hounds: Mostly about dogs, who are jerks. Adorable lop-eared jerks. Life is dogs.
• Dust of Dreams: Everyone walks forever, and everything is miserable, and no one will survive the crushing weight of our history of atrocities. Life is bummer.
• The Crippled God: The bad guy was the victim the whole time. I’m going to miss these jerks so much. Life is worth living (despite all the jerks.)

Neil Gaiman

• Neverwhere: London is made of under-culture.
• Stardust: Stars are made of snark.
• The Graveyard Book: Your family is made of ghosts.
• Coraline: Your mother is made of buttons.
• American Gods: Gods are made of stories.
• Anansi Boys: Gods are still made of stories.
• The Sandman: Everything is made of stories.
• The Ocean at the End of the Lane: Anyone who tells you they know what this is about is lying.

Robert Jordan

• New Spring: The prophesied savior of the world might have just been born but you’re kind of busy with grad school, so…
• The Eye of the World: Rand al’Thor discovers he is the prophesied savior of the world.
• The Great Hunt: Turns out the hunt isn’t all that great.
• The Dragon Reborn: Rand al’Thor is really not into being the prophesied savior of the world but then he is.
• The Shadow Rising: There’s an entire civilization hiding in a huge desert and they are super into the Dragon Reborn.
• The Fires of Heaven: Moiraine dies HA HA just kidding no one in this series ever dies.
• Lord of Chaos: It’s not a romance novel about a sigil-wearing heiress shirking her societal demands to have a tawdry affair with a bucksome cattle rustler.
• A Crown of Swords: That point in your quest where you take a break to do side-quests? This.
• The Path of Daggers: Summer finally ends and everyone starts heading back to school.
• Winter’s Heart: Rand al’Thor and his friends cleanse the taint from saidin and it doesn’t make any sense but we get a huge fight out of it so it ends up being pretty satisfying.
• Crossroads of Twilight: The novelization of the computer desktop spinny wheel.
• Knife of Dreams: The cannon becomes canon.
• The Gathering Storm: The end of the world is here and everyone is off da CHAIN. Especially Rand, who almost destroys the world.
• Towers of Midnight: OMG Slayer stop you were never all that well-realized a character and it’s too late now.
• A Memory of Light: The end.

C.S. Lewis

• The Magician’s Nephew: This is the first one.
• The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe: Or is this the first one?
• The Horse and His Boy: Did Lion-Jesus just try to eat a horse?
• Prince Caspian: Seriously, which book is the first book?
• The Voyage of the Dawn Treader: Is the boat Jesus?
• The Silver Chair: Puddleglum is Jesus.
• The Last Battle: Everyone is Jesus.

George R. R. Martin

• A Game of Thrones: Ned dies. Dragons are real.
• A Clash of Kings: Renly dies. Melisandre’s powers are real.
• A Storm of Swords: Robb dies. Catelyn dies. [Highlight for actual spoilers] Joffrey dies. Shae dies. Tywin dies. Catelyn reverse-dies. [end]
• A Feast For Crows: Everything is sadness and no one ever gets what they want or deserve.
• A Dance With Dragons: [Highlight for actual spoilers] Daenerys gets so bored she straight up leaves the book halfway through. [end]
• The Winds of Winter: But everyone’s starting to come back together now, right? I mean, they all seemed to be heading that way at the end of the last book…
• A Dream of Spring: No. There is no happy ending to this.

Herman Melville

• Moby Dick: The whale did it.

Stephenie Meyer

• Twilight: Bored? Try vampire!
• New Moon: Bored? Try werewolf!
• Eclipse: Bored? Try taunting the Volturi to kill you!
• Breaking Dawn: Bored? Try marriage and having a baby and then your creepy werewolf friend promises to love your baby forever and auuuuugghhhhhh.

Philip Pullman

• His Dark Materials: There was some literary debate about whether John Milton was on God or Lucifer’s side when he wrote Paradise Lost. C.S. Lewis said “God, obvs,” and wrote the Chronicles of Narnia. Philip Pullman was all, “Pfft, Lewis just never understood that the Devil has the best tunes” and wrote the His Dark Materials trilogy. You’re welcome.

Veronica Roth

• Divergent: You are all five factions you unique diamond you.
• Insurgent: But you don’t all get along even after you admit that.
• Allegiant: It was all your great-grandma’s fault.

J.K. Rowling

• Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone: Professor Quirrell has Voldemort on the back of his skull. Nicholas Flamel is forced to give up eternal life because the best-guarded wizard building in the world has tests that can be navigated by children.
• Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets: Ginny Weasley cries to Tom Riddle’s diary, never suspecting that having a boyfriend in a book might be a problem. Gilderoy Lockhart is fakey-fake.
• Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban: Sirius is innocent, Professor Lupin is a werewolf, Snape hates them both.
• Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire: Cedric dies, Voldemort returns, Mad-Eye Moody is actually Barty Crouch, Jr. Everyone assumes Harry wants to enter a tournament that he might die in because he’s good at Quidditch? Then it turns out Cedric isn’t actually dead. Nah, just kidding, that kid is toast.
• Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix: Sirius falls through a curtain and dies.
• Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince: Snape finally gets to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts and is also the Half-Blood Prince, which Harry cannot figure out even when he has his diary-textbook on hand. Dumbledore dies. Draco gets browbeaten into doing evil stuff.
• Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Lots of people die, including Harry, who lives again because LOVE. Voldemort over. Everyone who’s still alive gets married and lives happily ever after. Unless you listen to J.K. Rowling and Emma Watson, who worry that Ron is not satisfying Hermione spiritually.
• Harry Potter and the Casual Vacancy: The shit? This is the worst Harry Potter book ever. He’s not even in it.

Brandon Sanderson

• Elantris: Like Beetlejuice but less musical numbers.
• Mistborn: Kelsier’s funtimes caper was going great! He taught Vin how to be a Mistborn. Then he died. Maybe Vin was the hero all along!
• The Well of Ascension: Man, the Lord Ruler made his job look so easy. Vin probably isn’t the hero; the idea of being the hero was a trap. Elend gets powers!
• The Hero of Ages: Vin becomes God, Elend dies, Vin kills God, Vin dies, Sazed inherits the Earth.
• The Alloy of Law: Bullet time: the western.
• Warbreaker: Every one is super high, even the sword.
• The Way of Kings: After nine hundred pages of build-up and backstory, Kaladin gets his powers on and saves Dalinar’s butt.
• Words of Radiance: Kaladin mopes for 500 more pages, then gets his power back on and saves Dalinar’s butt. You all had BETTER be sorry for thinking Shallan was boring!
• The Emperor’s Soul: The Emperor’s Soul is missing. Is Shai a bad enough dude to make him a new one? Yes she is.
• The Rithmatist: You’re not a wizard, Harry Rithmatist, Joel.
• Steelheart: Whatever Steelheart’s weakness is, it sure isn’t love. Or steel.

John Scalzi

• Old Man’s War: Old man fights war.
• The Ghost Brigade: Old man adopts child.
• The Last Colony: Old man fights space werewolves.
• Zoe’s Tale: Old man’s adopted daughter watches old man fight space werewolves.
• The Human Division: Meanwhile, back on Earth…
• Fuzzy Nation: Little Fuzzy Reloaded
• Redshirts: It was all a dream.

J.R.R. Tolkien

• The Fellowship of the Ring: Boromir dies. Gandalf dies. The Fellowship splits up immediately, with Frodo and Sam taking the One Ring and fleeing.
• The Two Towers: Come on, you saw the movies, you know how this goes.
• The Return of the King: You know what I want the Hobbit movies to explain? Why the eagles thought they were too top-shelf to fly everyone to Mount Doom so Sauron could be destroyed before he ravaged the lands of men. “Sorry! We’re here! Do you need us to rescue Sam and Frodo from lava?” Too late, eagles. Too late.

David Foster Wallace

• Infinite Jest: Let’s just jump in here and assume that you know about Infinite Jest: it’s a massive book, like all-of-Dune-combined massive, and there’s been this long-standing mostly, if-we’re-being-honest, straw man argument about whether or not it’s sci-fi or lit-fic (like genre actually means anything anymore, right?) but so it’s gained this reputation, like a John-Bender-esque reputation, w/r/t its length, its difficulty, its Byzantine sentences, its endnotes¹, and its nigh-OCD cataloging of addiction, entertainment options, phobias, tennis strategies, &co &co., ad nauseam, ad infinitum jestum, but really basically it’s just a longer version of The Ring.

  ¹Many people call them footnotes. We try to avoid those people at parties².

  ²We are pathologically skilled at avoiding people at parties, having perfected the scurry-without-looking shuffle, the intense-drink-focus stare³, and the petting-host’s-dog-incessantly barrier.

  ³We recommend dabbling in physics and chemistry in order to make this more interesting. A drink is just a drink until you can imagine it flash-freezing due to lack of nucleation sites within the glass. Then a drink is a magical adventure and you don’t have to give up on staring and go talk about Orange is the New Black because you haven’t watched Orange is the New Black. You hear it’s good.

Oscar Wilde

• The Picture of Dorian Gray: Wanting to be young and hot forever is a terrible idea, especially if you’ve got artistic friends.

Wow! Now you can party chat with the best of them! Look at all the things you know about science fiction and fantasy books, some of which aren’t even out yet! You are definitely a smart one and we will catch you later WINK.

That is definitely all the authors, too. No one will ever comment below with additional authors or their own spoilers.

Stubby the Rocket is the mascot of Tor.com, the often random voice of its staff, and an inspiration to partygoers everywhere.